Teaching You Zazen 30: Starting from Some of This ID's Family Matters

2008/8/16 9:45:07

Attention, a supplementary note—I just got through to the extraordinary healer on the phone. Good things truly take time; it turns out that when someone forwarded the phone number earlier, one digit was wrong. He said he'd send someone tomorrow morning to pick this ID up and take me to his home, which is nearby. So there definitely won't be any posts tomorrow. As for the arrangements after that, this ID doesn't know either.

A further special note: I just scanned the comments. I originally wanted to clean up some ads, but I found a friend claiming to have chatted with this ID. That is definitely an impersonator. This ID hasn't chatted online in who knows how long. Moreover, this ID only posts here; anything posted anywhere else online is definitely not from this ID. I also never meet anyone in person, so please don't casually leave your phone numbers—don't give bad people an opportunity.

I'm very grateful for everyone's comments. Even those cursing this ID to die soon—this ID is grateful, because that's equivalent to helping this ID eliminate karma, and it comes at the cost of these people increasing their own karma. How could this ID not be grateful for such self-sacrificing salvation? Unfortunately, this ID won't be dying anytime soon. I'm in high spirits right now, so please keep it up—bring something even more vicious.

This ID is currently in Hankou, which is why I made that remark about "how can there still be such a desolate place"—because in my impression, Hankou was relatively prosperous. Perhaps this ID got it mixed up. Since the extraordinary healer lives here, there's no choice but to be here. Generally, extraordinary people have somewhat eccentric temperaments, and this ID doesn't want to ruin important matters over trivial details.

Coming to find the extraordinary healer, the most important purpose is not treating the illness, but learning. Because for treatment alone, this ID could casually find someone who, given enough time and under this ID's guidance, could achieve roughly the same effect as the healer—though the time required would certainly be N times longer. Moreover, there's something this ID is not yet certain about: apart from similar methods, does this healer have things this ID hasn't imagined? That would be treasure. Furthermore, and most importantly, the healer's known unique techniques happen to complement the gaps in this ID's current knowledge.

Since permission hasn't been given, I won't describe the specific techniques. Broadly speaking, this ID's current mastery of Chinese medicine is absolutely unique in terms of theory—but this approach can only teach people with exceptionally high comprehension ability. For treating the general public, this ID truly has no way, because this ID can currently only operate from a higher plane, having patients practice according to certain methods on their own, eventually eliminating both the illness and its root. If the patient doesn't have exceptionally high comprehension, this method is completely useless. The healer's methods happen to remedy this deficiency. With his methods, this ID could broadly treat all types of patients. Moreover, since this ID's perspective is far higher than the healer's, his methods in this ID's hands will certainly shine brilliantly—and this effectively saves his dying art as well.

This ID has a wish: to broadly treat both body and mind, benefiting more destined people. If I can truly learn the healer's techniques, this wish can be fulfilled. As for this ID's illness, that's a small matter. If this ID ultimately cannot succeed, it's merely switching to a different mode of play—turning around and coming back again is not out of the question. There's simply nothing to worry about.

This ID's illness actually involves many twists and turns. Since explaining in detail would involve some of this ID's family matters, I've always been reluctant to discuss it. But now is an opportunity—speaking about it could benefit those who are destined to hear it, and this ID doesn't mind anymore.

In a sense, this ID's trip to Wuhan this time was an escape from a vicious cycle. This ID has been holding this in for several months. No need to beat around the bush—this matter involves family bonds, specifically, this ID's younger brother.

So-called family bonds, seen with a clear eye, are also karmic ties accumulated over many lifetimes. If these ties aren't resolved, it's never good. This ID probably placed too much hope on resolving them through this major illness, and so did many things against my own wishes—in a sense, truly bearing humiliation and carrying a heavy burden.

This ID's mother was from Xiguan in Guangzhou—the most authentic Guangzhou native. Because relatives on Mother's side were all in Guangzhou, probably due to this North-South combination, this ID has been a bit special since childhood. Moreover, because of this, from childhood onwards, from Hainan to the great Northwest, this ID has lived in each place for at least N years—not to mention Guangzhou and Beijing. This probably had quite an impact on this ID's personality. For the same reason, my brother's personality probably went the opposite direction, but these things I never paid much attention to before—that must have been this ID's fault.

My brother has probably felt suppressed since childhood, always wanting to surpass this ID. Because this ID's academic performance was always too good, and the schools I attended, from primary school onward, were always the best. As a result, my brother probably suffered greatly, struggling from primary school onward to get into the same schools this ID attended. This ID never felt any pressure going to those schools. From the second year of middle school, this ID was basically in a state of not attending classes, and it didn't make any difference. Precisely because this ID skipped classes, I developed many other interests. For example, this ID could compose music without having studied it, and later specifically went to study composition—this probably added new pressure on my brother. I remember when we were young, once this ID discovered my brother also trying to write some tunes, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Later, this ID never did anything so-called "proper"—stocks, traditional culture, Chan Buddhism, and so on, always working independently—and this also brought my brother unlimited pressure to imitate. He seems to have never held a proper job either, and also started dabbling in Daoism, Chinese medicine, and the like. He secretly got into stocks too. I remember one year he very happily told this ID that he'd made nearly 20 times his money in stocks that year—I think it was around 1999. But at that time, this ID had already done too many so-called big things, and probably didn't pay much attention. If it were now, this ID would definitely say: "Wow, that's amazing!"—at least that would make my brother feel better.

All of the above, this ID was truly completely unaware of before. It was this major illness that made this ID know for certain. The incident occurred after the first chemotherapy when this ID went into hepatic coma. At that time, this ID's behavior was probably somewhat bizarre, and my brother probably thought this ID was deliberately making things difficult for him. One evening, things escalated to an extremely explosive state. In this ID's hazy consciousness, my brother was definitely crying while beating this ID—because this ID had smashed the glass in the room, and was also asking why this glass was so fragile. Later, the laptop was destroyed too. In short, anything with a mirror-like surface became this ID's target for destruction. To anyone unfamiliar with hepatic coma, this would indeed seem very terrible. Moreover, because of childhood issues, my brother probably also found an outlet for release. He also forced this ID to drink the congee and soup he had cooked—bowl after bowl, no sleeping until it was all finished.

Later, our conversation proceeded amid my brother's tearful account. He enumerated this ID's many crimes. For example, because this ID had good grades, and the teachers assigned to him happened to be the same ones who had taught this ID, everyone used this ID as an example to pressure him. In his view, only our mother and grandmother genuinely cared about him; everyone else was deliberately harming and deceiving him. And this ID's mother and grandmother are both gone now—in other words, everyone in the world is out to harm and deceive him. This ID's most detestable quality was using money to overwhelm him. He doesn't need money, and what he hates most is this ID spending money like water. On this point, this ID truly had no reply, because due to this ID's line of work, from about 1994 onward, this ID has probably been sustaining a level of consumption that ordinary people could likely never reach. But this was entirely habitual. This ID rarely saw my brother, and probably when we did meet, certain habits deeply hurt him—but this ID was certainly completely oblivious, because it was too habitual. For example, this ID would say "let's go eat at such-and-such place," and that place alone might be unbearable for my brother. Ordering dishes might be even more unbearable. But this ID truly had no ulterior thoughts—it was all habit. Eventually I completely restrained myself, especially after the events of 2002—but from that point on, I had very little contact with my brother, until this major illness.

Other charges are too numerous to list. The most recent one was that this ID's spending of over ten thousand yuan per day during the first chemotherapy made him feel the whole thing was perverted. He said he'd once been so ill that pus had risen to the top of his head, and the entire month cost only a few hundred yuan. And so on. I won't go into the rest—in short, everything was this ID's fault.

This ID also can't figure out how he left afterwards. In any case, he took this ID's credit cards, money, etc.—seems like he left a few hundred yuan, though this ID couldn't find it. Something about these things having ruined this ID—he needed to go rest on his own. He'd already given too much for this matter. If not for him, this ID should have died long ago. Without his medicine during the first chemotherapy, this ID should have died long ago, etc., etc.

This ID can't figure out whether it was that same night or the next day. In the interim, this ID seems to have made quite a few phone calls in a confused state, probably saying some confused things—in short, no memory of it. Also, in the confusion, this ID may have told certain friends about this blog—can't be sure. In any case, after recovering, quite a few friends called saying they'd read the blog and such. This ID still hasn't figured out what that was all about. However, these are all good friends who wouldn't think ill of this ID, so I just let nature take its course. But I must give a reminder: dear brothers and sisters, please absolutely do not blame this ID's younger brother. This ID doesn't blame him at all—it was truly this ID's problem. He's younger, and this ID should have shown him more care. So please absolutely do not bring these matters up in front of him; otherwise, given his personality, he will certainly cut all ties—and that would be equivalent to destroying his karmic wisdom, which would be too great a sin.

Later, a Buddhist relative of this ID used mantras to break evil curses and saved this ID. Then friends with military backgrounds rushed over from Beijing and elsewhere, and got this ID into a military hospital. Meanwhile, the relative also brought my brother back, and there were no more major conflicts—though because of the extraordinary healer, there was one more minor conflict.

My brother is probably quite proud of his own Chinese medicine abilities. The extraordinary healer came specially from Wuhan through the connections of a friend from Tsinghua. My brother didn't even get out of bed—setting aside basic courtesy. Later, this ID sealed a generous red envelope for the healer. Once the man left, my brother called him a fraud—saying if you could charge that much just for saying a few words and being treated to dinner, he would have made a fortune long ago, and so on. That time, this ID couldn't be bothered to argue with him. That evening, I spent two hours using the crudest zazen method to explore the healer's techniques. As a result, after two hours, a certain channel from the liver to the top of the head opened up. Previously speaking had been very laborious, but suddenly this ID could sing opera with full breath support. So this ID deliberately sang opera arias in the hospital ward—my brother is no fool, of course he knew what it meant.

But he would never let this ID practice zazen, saying that hepatic coma episode was caused by this ID's zazen practice. In short, whenever this ID tried to settle into stillness, he'd start making a fuss or showing displeasure. So this ID couldn't be bothered to make a scene about it. Then this ID told him: from now on, we'll do everything entirely your way. No more seeking out the Wuhan man. I'll give you time to experiment, and we'll see how the results turn out. As for how the results turned out—that was more than obvious. Once, this ID sneaked out and found an old Chinese medicine doctor, then described a different approach that led my brother to use his own techniques to achieve something similar to the Wuhan healer's method. As soon as it was done, the lumps visibly shrank by a third. That day, my cousin and others came over to play mahjong, and they all verified it. My brother even said at the time that the Wuhan man might truly be onto something. But a few days later, he started saying again that the Wuhan man's approach wasn't fundamental, that he was really just a half-bucket of water, and so on.

The relative who saved this ID with mantras visited the hospital often. This ID took advantage of chatting with the relative to subtly awaken my brother—and of course, simultaneously to awaken the relative too. This approach eventually had some effect, because the problems this ID raised were clearly beyond his ability to solve. But getting a person to truly awaken—how could it be that simple? It all depends on his own karmic wisdom.

This time, an opportunity to get out finally appeared—and one that wouldn't cause hard feelings. This ID said: let me go test whether the Wuhan man is a fraud. If there's no effect, I'll come right back. My brother said he definitely wouldn't come to Wuhan because he didn't want to see that person—even better. In any case, I could get to Wuhan without causing bad feelings—the best of both worlds.

Having said so much, including things that probably shouldn't have been said, the sole purpose is to give those who are destined a vivid example. Whatever you see in it, that's for you to see for yourself. This ID has nothing more to say. But family bonds are what this ID values most right now. If this ID should meet any misfortune, my brother is the sole legal heir to my property. These things, this ID will leave for him to handle. If he uses them himself, that is his present-life fortune. If he donates them or builds temples, that is his future-life merit. If wisdom is not yet attained, then let fortune come first—this is also the best conclusion this ID can offer for this karmic tie right now. Of course, as long as there is the slightest chance, this ID hopes to see the day he truly awakens.

Enough about family matters. Let me address a comment, because countless people have killed their own karmic wisdom in similar dead ends. This ID does not shy away from the mud—it all depends on each person's own karmic wisdom.

Sina User

Reading Chan's writings, I'm sweating for you. Playing Chan in word games—I see no sympathetic joy, no equanimity, only greed, anger, ignorance, doubt, and arrogance. Know that Dharma giving is the greatest merit, but recklessly expounding the Dharma also incurs deep karmic debt. Your "ego-attachment" is too heavy! You claim to be able to "enter and exit freely"? Can you ask yourself honestly: Is your heart forgiving or not? Anxious or not? Vexed or not? Jealous or not? At peace or not? Are your six roots pure or not? Are your six consciousnesses illusory or not? Where does the discriminating mind rest? Where does the non-discriminating mind rest? Reading your writing reveals everything. May your "ego-attachment" be broken! Be cautious when speaking of Chan! I offer Shenxiu's verse for our mutual encouragement: "The body is like a Bodhi tree, the mind like a bright mirror's stand; diligently wipe it at all times, and let no dust alight." You and a certain someone are both spinning within this very state—wake up! May all merit be dedicated to all sentient beings!

(2008-08-15 18:21:41)

Do this person and those with similar views understand? Greed, anger, ignorance, doubt, and arrogance are saṃsāra; sympathetic joy and equanimity are the great saṃsāra. Impure six roots are saṃsāra; pure six roots are the great saṃsāra. Worldly dharmas are saṃsāra; transcendent dharmas are the great saṃsāra. The six realms of rebirth are saṃsāra; Nirvāṇa and the Pure Land are the great saṃsāra. "Ego-attachment" is saṃsāra; breaking "ego-attachment" is the great saṃsāra. Even "originally there is not a single thing" is still bobbing in the realm of saṃsāra—what entering and exiting are you talking about? There is nowhere to enter, nowhere to exit. Piercing three barriers with one arrow is still activity behind the arrow. On the upward path, even a thousand sages do not transmit it. With such a crude and deluded view, you dare attempt to peer into the supreme Chan school, the mind-seal of the Buddha?

I advise everyone: if you have no genuine practice and real verification, you'd better just stick to a single Buddha-name, one thought sustained for ten thousand years—that is still better than empty talk and deluded speech. Take good care of yourselves.