Series 6: That Night, His Bodily Fluids Sprayed All Over Me

2006/2/12 22:56:50

VI

"Now, rain, is beating at the window. This five-star hotel with the mysterious name—outside the window, a misty blur. Now, the pen sighs on paper, like the rain outside. Now, outside, rain pours down from the mist, like bodily fluids erupting. Now—now, what is now? Now is the god of the past. The past is past because of now, as the world is worlded because of God. And God does not exist. Without God, the world is still the world. Then what of the past? Without now, what is the past? I am God. The world becomes my world because of me. Without me, the world has nothing to do with me. The past is only my past. Now is me. The past becomes my past because of me. Without me, the past has nothing to do with me. What am I? I am now. The past me is the now-me's past. Without now, I am nothing.

Now is me, I am now. The now-me, my now—what are they? Outside the window, this largest city in China stands in the rain, an unfamiliar presence. It is not mine. My heart beats, while it is silent. Who is it? It is not me, yet I know of its being. If it were merely a 3D animation, what meaning would my knowing of its being have? Who knows it is not a 3D animation? Why can't a computer's 3D animation be a 3D animation within a 3D animation? Layer upon layer of illusions—who knows? Only me. Without me, where is my knowing? Knowing is me, I am knowing, knowing is now. Past knowing is but the knowing of now's knowing.

What is knowing? Knowing is brain waves? Who knows brain waves? Brain waves knowing brain waves? All knowing is an illusion of brain waves. Brain waves tremble, like the world's fluids erupting. The world is like the eruption of fluids. The Big Bang—what is the world? My world is the world I know. What I do not know is my knowing of not knowing. I do not know the world—it is my knowing that I do not know the world. Knowing and not knowing are both knowing, just as erupted fluids and unerupted fluids are both fluids. I know—knowing knowing. I do not know—knowing not-knowing. I know I know the rain outside the window is still falling. I know I do not know when the rain will stop. But I see—the rain is still falling."

(To be continued)